Another Day, Another Dungeon Read online

  "Well," said Timaeus scathingly. "It was certainly foresighted of us to bring the wheelbarrow along. How could we ever get this munificent treasure out otherwise?"

  Kraki fingered the edge of his sword and eyed Lenny thoughtfully.

  By the time they left the room, they'd reduced everything in it to flinders. "Now that," said Garni happily, "is what I call a professional job."

  IV

  Where water had run into the terrestrial depths, it had left a slantwise crack in the limestone, a shaft scattered with boulders and pebbles, potholes and minor cliffs. It had scoured the shaft smooth, burnishing the stone to a yellow luster.

  Lenny bounded easily from boulder to boulder, springing down the slope to stand where rocks gave temporary purchase. "Lenny find better treasure!" he yipped. "Thecret treasure! Jewelth! Magic! Lenny show you!"

  The others found the going more difficult. At times, the slope approached the vertical. They descended slowly, searching for handholds among the potholes and boulders.

  Garni hammered a piton into the groove between a boulder and the streambed, and ran a rope through the piton's iron loop. Holding both ends of the rope, he backed cautiously down the slope. The others watched him.

  He reached a flatter area where he could stand unsupported and called, "All right, who's next?"

  Sidney spoke to Timaeus. "Are you sure you want to go down there?" "Absolutely," he said, puffing on his pipe. "Adventure awaits us in the depths of Cytorax! Forward, my friends! Fortuna favet fortibus!"

  "Lenny lead! Follow Lenny!" the lizardman yipped faintly from far down the shaft.

  "Where is he taking us?" Sidney asked. "To fame and fortune!" said Timaeus.

  "More likely to an early grave," Nick muttered.

  "I trust him implicitly," Timaeus huffed, and grabbed Garni's rope.

  Drizhnakh, Garfok, and Spug were playing cards in front of the fire. They were on guard duty. No one took guard duty too seriously.

  Drizhnakh and Garfok were both cheating. They both knew that they were both cheating. Spug didn't have a clue, of course.

  They were playing Spatzle. For money. If they'd been playing anything else, Drizhnakh and Garfok might have played honestly. It wasn't too likely, of course, but they might have. Spatzle is played by orcish children. It is completely mindless-on the same level as Go Fish or Old Maid. There's no strategy. Both Drizhnakh and Garfok were bored with it. Which is why they had to spice the game up with some judicious cheating.

  The problem was that Spazle was the only thing Spug would play. It was the only thing Spug could play. Spug was, as his orcish companions would have so charmingly put it, "a maroon." Not that your run-of-the-mill orc is exactly the world's leading intellectual light, but you get the idea.

  As far as Drizhnakh and Garfok were concerned, cheating was the real game, anyway. It was a given that Spug would lose. The only question was whether Drizhnakh or Garfok would win. Skill at cardsharping, not skill at cards, was the requirement for victory.

  Drizhnakh and Garfok were tired of Spatzle. For them, it had lost its charm. It was no longer pleasing. It had become otiose. As Garfok put it, "Dis is a dumb friggin' game, Spug." He threw down his cards.

  Spug looked injured. "I likes it, Garfok," he said. "It's fun." "I is had enough, ya maroon," riposted Garfok.

  "Pick up da hand, Garfok," Drizhnakh said menacingly.

  "Piss up yer aunt's leg! I says I's had it wiv dis game," said Garfok. "Days cause you got a lousy hand, ya dipshit. Pick it up," Drizhnakh said.

  "Yeah!" said Spug. "You is just got a lousy hand! You is just upset cause you is gonna lose!"

  "Piss on you," replied Garfok.

  Drizhnakh drew his sword and buried its sharp end in the table before Garfok. "Pick up da cards!" he yelled.

  Garfok picked up his cards. "Tree of fangs," he said sullenly, throwing a card on the table.

  Drizhnakh pulled a card out of his sleeve. Spug didn't notice. Garfok did. "Trump," Drizhnakh said. "Raise two copper."

  Garfok sighed. Then he saw a flash of green by the door. He dropped his cards on the table, then tipped his chair back, keeping his balance by putting his knees under the table. He reached outside the door, grabbed Lenny by the neck, and pulled the lizardman into the room.

  Lenny's legs windmilled as he tried to break free. "Hey!" said Garfok. "Look at dis! It's Lenny da Lizard."

  Lenny went limp. "Lenny come to thay hello," he said hesitantly. Drizhnakh smiled; his tusks made it a rather menacing smile. "It's da lizard kid," he said to Spug, "come to visit." He laid his cards carefully on the table.

  "Yeah," said Spug, nodding wisely. "An' just in time for lunch, too." "I haven't had lizard in months an' months," said Drizhnakh thoughtfully.

  "Say, kid," said Garfok, still holding Lenny by the neck. "Whatcha doin' down here anyway, huh?"

  "Lenny going for thtroll," the lizardman said despairingly.

  Drizhnakh poked the fire. "Where's dat roastin' skewer?" he asked Spug.

  Spug started pawing through a pile of gear. "It's in here somewheres," he said.

  "You got a load of tourists wiv you, kid?" Garfok asked, shaking the lizardman.

  Lenny nodded.

  "Dey is comin' down da shaft?" Lenny hung motionless.

  "Found dat skewer yet?" Garfok asked. Drizhnakh grunted and threw another log on the fire; he stared at Lenny and licked his chops.

  Lenny shuddered. "Yeth," he said despairingly. "Five humanth. One dwarf."

  "Youmans? Hey, Drizhnakh, sounds like mansflesh for lunch instead." Spug nodded enthusiastically. "I like mansflesh," he confided.

  "Tell ya what, buddy," Garfok said thoughtfully. "You go back to da tourists. Take 'em to Rog."

  Lenny shook his head violently. "Not Rog," he said. "Lenny not go to Rog. Rog bad monthter. Kill Lenny."

  Garfok sighed. "Listen to me, kiddo. Dese guys, da youmans an' such, dey fight Rog. You hang back. If Rog kills 'em, dat's fine wiv us. We'll letcha go home. If dey kills Rog, dat's good, too. Rog is a pain. And den, when dey're all wounded an' stuff from fightin' Rog, den we attack. And kills 'em."

  Lenny considered a moment. "Rog hath big treasure. Gold. Jewelth," he said craftily.

  "Days da beauty of it," Garfok said. "If dey kill Rog, we kill dem and get da loot."

  "Share for Lenny?"

  "Sure, kid. Sure. Dere'll be a share for you. Right, guys?" Garfok said. "You bet," Drizhnakh said.

  "Sure, Lenny," said Spug. "We give ya a share."

  "Share for Lenny," Lenny said happily. "Gold. Jewelth. Magic!" "Days right, kid," said Garfok, releasing the lizardman.

  "Lenny go back. Take humanth to Rog." "Days da ticket."

  "Lenny thay good-bye," said Lenny and bounded from the room. There was silence for a moment.

  Drizhnakh collapsed against the table, shaking. "Ya got him good, Garfok," he gasped. Garfok grinned.

  "'Share for Lenny?' " Drizhnakh said. They both laughed. Spug looked puzzled. "I don't gets it."

  "'Take humanth to Rog!' " Garfok said.

  "'Treasure for Lenny!' " Drizhnakh said, rolling on the floor. "C'mon, guys," Spug said. "I don't gets it!"

  Garfok grinned at him. "Does ya really think we is gonna give dat punk a share of da treasure?"

  Spug thought that over. "Days mean," he said in a bewildered tone. While Drizhnakh chortled on the floor, Garfok took the opportunity to switch his cards with Drizhnakh's.

  Drizhnakh sat up. "We better tell da boss about dis," he said.

  Sidney lost her grip on the rope, fell heavily down the slope, and slammed up against a boulder. She gasped for air.

  Father Thwaite, who was crouching on a nearby ledge, gingerly made his way crabwise across the slope. "Are you all right?" he asked.

  "My leg . . . ," she gasped.

  He felt her leg. "It's not broken," he said, "but you'll have quite a bruise."

  She stood up unsteadily. "I'll be okay," she said. "I'll heal it when we get to the bottom."
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br />   "No, Father," she said.

  "Why not?" he asked, in some surprise. "I . . . I can't."

  "I don't understand."

  Sidney sighed. "I'm sorry, Father, she said. "I can't explain."

  It was warm in Rog's cavern. He liked it that way. He liked his cavern very much. There was a pool to wade in. There was a comfy pile of gold to sleep on. And there were crocodiles in the pool for snacks.

  Rog was having a snack right now, as matter of fact. He reached one paw into the pool and fished around. There was one! He grabbed the croc by the middle, lifted it out, and dropped it into his maw. The croc thrashed, and Rog chewed. It was crunchy. He swallowed.

  He'd have a few more crocs, and then he'd go have a nice nap. Later on, maybe he'd go for a little walk through the caverns. Maybe he'd find an orc or two. It was a long time since he'd had an orc. Crocs were good, but it was always nice to vary your diet.

  Rog was quite looking forward to his day.

  From the base of the shaft, the rest of the party watched Kraki descend the last few feet. His foot slipped. He fell heavily onto the slope. He clutched his sword, and plummeted . . .

  . . . Into the pool at the base of the shaft. There was a splash. Garni raised his lantern high and peered into the water.

  Lenny hopped into the circle of light.

  "Where the hell have you been?" asked Sidney. "Lenny thcout ahead! Lenny find big treasure!"

  Kraki surfaced with a whoop. "Hoo!" he said. "Vater cold. Feels good." He slapped some water toward the party.

  Timaeus studied the pool and shuddered. "Unhealthy," he muttered. Garni stepped back to avoid being splashed. Kraki backstroked across the pond.

  "What's that?" said Nick, pointing at something floating in the water. It was barely visible in the lantern's dim light.

  Lenny peered. "Ith crocth," he said.

  It took Nick a moment to understand. "Kraki!" he yelled. "Get out of the water! Now!"

  Kraki stopped backstroking and sat up, treading water. "Vhy?" There was a thrashing noise, and the barbarian disappeared.

  Timaeus cursed and began to chant, preparing a spell. Sidney drew her sword, then wondered what to do with it.

  Kraki surfaced near them blowing. "Are you all right?" Garni shouted. The barbarian laughed exuberantly. "Yah, yah," he said. "Look vhat I found." He held a crocodile by the snout, one jaw in each hand. The crocodile struggled to free itself, but Kraki was too strong. Kraki disappeared under the water again-then shot from it, to sit on the edge of the pool, still holding the croc.

  "See my little friend?" he said, holding the crocodile toward the others. He opened and closed the jaws with his hands. "Vant a kiss?" he said, shoving the crocodile toward Father Thwaite. The cleric backed away. The crocodile's feet scrabbled, but it got nowhere.

  "It's blind," said Garni. It was true; the crocodile's lids were sealed together. Its coloring was light in comparison to its surface-dwelling cousins.

  "Many crocth in cavernth," said Lenny. "Thwimming bad." "Throw it back," said Timaeus.

  "Vhat? Not vant for dinner?"

  "I don't think so, Kraki," said Sidney.

  "Hokay," said the barbarian, and dropped the crocodile back into the pool. It swam away as fast as it could.

  "About this treasure," said Nick.

  "Big treasure, mathterth! Gold! Thilver! Lenny find good treasure thith time! Make up for trollth! Trutht Lenny!" Lenny said, and bounded off. They followed him down a brief passageway that opened into a large cavern. Bats fluttered overhead, moving like leaves whipped in a silent storm.

  "I don't like this," Sidney said. "Where was he? What was he doing?" "You fret too much, my dear," Timaeus said, pulling out his pipe and packing it. He brought his finger toward the bowl. Everyone else put their fingers in their ears.

  Thunder sounded across the cave. Timaeus puffed contentedly.

  They came to a narrow crack, lined with geodes winking orange in the lantern light. Beyond the crack was darkness.

  "Be very, very quiet!" said Lenny, holding a finger to his snout. "Follow Lenny." He led the way through the crack and into another cavern, as huge as the one before. They heard a splash off in the darkness. Lenny tiptoed across the uneven rock. The party followed, the lantern lighting their way.

  Rog lifted another croc out of the water, then stopped. What was that noise? It sounded like a faint jingling. The croc thrashed in Rog's hand. Lenny turned. "Thee?" he whispered. "Thee? Mathter like treasure?" It was a veritable hill of gold. Well, maybe not a hill. More like a small mound. Actually, it was closer to a pile. Look, it was a lot of gold. Enough gold to set you up for life. Enough gold to make even a dragon's eyes gleam. A lot.

  It wasn't just gold, either. There was the occasional flash of a jewel; there were chalices, swords, suits of armor, and all sorts of other goodies poking out of the pile.

  "Whoopee!" shouted Nick, diving headfirst into the pile. He flung coins into the air. "I'm rich! I'm rich!" he said. "I'm socially secure!"

  Kraki smiled broadly. Sidney licked her lips. Garni took off his backpack and started fumbling through it. He pulled out a bag of hardtack, three small steel balls, a box of cocoa mix. He pulled out a rabbit's foot, a wooden stake, a mallet, and a box of iron nails.

  "What are you looking for?" asked Nick.

  "I've got a bunch of burlap sacks," said Garni. "We'll need them to get the treasure out. I know they're in here somewhere." He pulled out a compass, an astrolabe, and a heavy bound book. . . .

  "I don't know," Timaeus said.

  There was a loud noise. Rog heard it distinctly. It sounded like it came from . . . his pile of gold! His comfy pile of gold! Those darn orcs. They were always after his gold! And it had taken him so long to get a nice comfy pile, too. He'd teach those orcs a thing or two!

  The croc still clutched in one hand, Rog ran toward his gold. "Somehow, it seems too easy," said Timaeus.

  Sidney turned white.

  "What's the matter?" Timaeus said. Sidney pointed.

  Timaeus turned.

  Twenty cubits away, there were two feet planted on the ground. The thing about these feet was that the body to which they were attached wasn't visible. Not that the body was invisible, exactly; it was just so huge that you couldn't see it all in the dim light of Garni's lantern. All you could see was a pair of huge, scaled, greenish feet, each with four toes, each toe sporting a claw the length of a man's arm.

  Also visible, hanging about fifteen cubits off the ground, was a pale green crocodile, clutched in a huge, clawed hand.

  "Run," suggested Sidney in a conversational tone.

  "Vhat?" said Kraki and turned to see what Sidney was talking about. "Run!" Sidney said more forcefully.

  Nick craned around to look. Garni looked up from his backpack. "RUN!" Sidney screamed.

  "A felicitous suggestion," said Timaeus.

  A giant, clawed hand felt over the pile of gold. Nick scurried out of its way just in time. They ran.

  The hand found Lenny. It lifted him high in the air by one leg. "Mathterth! Mathterth! Thave Lenny! Pleathe thave Lenny!" he screamed.

  Timaeus turned and hurled a fireball over his shoulder. It exploded somewhere near the creature's torso. There was a thunderous shout of anger. The creature dropped Lenny.

  The monster pounded after them, the cavern shaking with each tencubit stride.

  "Scatter!" Timaeus gasped. "Or it'll get us all!" They scattered.

  There was a boom, and something burned Rog. Ooh! That smarted. Now Rog was angry. Where was the one he had grabbed? Rog felt around for it. Rog would get them for this. Darn orcs.

  Sidney and Nick made for the same hiding place—a niche at one end of the cavern. They squeezed in together, their backs to the cool stone. Nick put his arm around Sidney and nuzzled her neck.

  "Cut that out," she hissed.

  "Aw, c'mon, Sidney." He put a hand on her leg.

  "Cut it out, you jerk," she whispered. "There's a monster out there." "Yeah," said
Nick. "We could die at any moment. Danger always adds an element of—"

  "Do you remember what direction the cavern entrance is?"

  "Mmm. Remember the time the town watch was looking for us? And . . ." Nick slid a hand around her back.

  A dagger pricked his ribs.

  "Oh, hell, Sidney," he said, drawing back.

  "So where the hell were you last night, buster?" she said in a low voice. "Uh—I thought we had an understanding—"

  "Understanding? Understanding!" Sidney's voice was getting noticeably louder. "You shit! Our understanding was that—"

  "Sssh!" said Nick.

  There was silence for a moment.

  "This is a hell of a time to pick a fight," said Nick.

  "We're partners, Pratchitt," said Sidney. "That's all we are." "But Sidney," Nick said, "what about—"

  "That was then," said Sidney. "This is now. Now listen to me. We're not going to be able to beat that monster. Right?"

  "No chance," said Nick.

  "So if we want a part of that treasure, we've got to snatch it." "Sure," said Nick.

  "Let's go," said Sidney.

  Suddenly, the space in the niche next to Nick was empty. "Sidney?" Nick whispered.

  "Sidney?" he whispered a little louder, out into the vastness of the cavern. He couldn't see anything out there. It was as dark as the inside of a casket.

  Cursing, he moved out into the darkness. Kraki crouched against the uneven wall.

  Kraki didn't care about treasure. Barbarians didn't worry about money. Glory, that was the thing. Great deeds to be sung in the long-hall, deeds that would resound in his name for all time to come. Killing a monster the size of a mountain, for instance. Preferably in single combat. With one arm tied behind your back. Blindfolded. With a hat pin.

  Let's not, Kraki told himself, get carried away.

  It was dark, as dark as dragon's blood. He couldn't even see himself. He had his sword. He had the strength of his right arm. The monster was out there.

  He had no idea how to kill the thing. It was just too damn big. Without a good look at the monster, he had no way of knowing where its vulnerable spots might be. External organs are usually the best bet: eyes and genitals. The throat is good, too.